When It's Time for Shame to Go

Today, we’ll hear from Carey’s heart on this idea of shame, a story she shares in her book Untangled. Carey so willingly opens her heart on how she struggled on this one, and how God met her in a very real way….

“Mom, I can’t take it anymore.”

I stood up, closed the refrigerator door, and turned to see my then-third-grade son standing behind me.  He was crying.

“What’s happened, Sam?”

He began to unpack his struggle of the past three years – events he’d kept hidden from me and my husband.  As I sat and listened, tears rolled quietly down my cheeks. But inside I was screaming. How could this have happened right under my nose? Wasn’t I supposer to protect my children? Guilt sucker-punched me in the gut and said, You’re a horrible mom.

Sam shared how a boy in class had been bullying him. And it hadn’t just been that school year, but the better part of three years. Although the offender was in my son’s grade, he was taller and outweighed him by a good fifteen pounds. Sam had been kicked, chased, hit, pinched, taunted, and threatened with his life if he told me or anyone else about it. Because he was afraid this kid would make good on his threat, Sam had kept silent about the situation. Until now.

I’d heard this boy’s name before. I knew he bothered my son from time to time, and I had counseled him through a few situation. But I didn’t realize it had crossed the line from mean kid to bully. As a mom, shouldn’t I have seen the shift? How did I miss that?

We had noticed little changers in Sam’s schoolwork, but nothing drastic. His handwriting was sloppy and he struggled in math, previously his strongest subject. He stopped doing homework, telling us he had none. His A grades were dropping, and at parent-teacher conferences, they blamed the changes on anything from rushing through his work to learning harder math concepts.

There were changes in him too, but they were subtle and gradual and, we assumed, normal. Sam seemed angrier and had a quick temper. His eating and sleeping habits shifted. He struggled socially and had lost self-confidence. We asked doctors and therapists if these changes were worrisome, and they assured us he was normal and things would be okay. Why didn’t I see the situation more clearly?

We immediately began counseling and it was during therapy that most of the details surrounding the bullying emerged. Hearing about the evil my son endured overwhelmed me and awoke the mama-bear inside. I was furious, but underneath was always crushing guilt. I’m not sure I’ve ever cried as much as I did through those months. And then the unimaginable happened.

While I was sitting in the school’s pick-up line, the principal called and asked me to meet in her office. I walked in to find Sam sitting, head down. My heart started racing while trying to make sense of this meeting. Was there another bully situation? Did Sam lash out in anger? I sat down quietly as she said,

“Carey, Sam told two teachers today that he wanted to commit suicide.” My eyes met Sam’s and I saw into his soul. And it scared me.

My guilt was the fuel behind finding the responsible party. I met with teachers, administration, even the school board itself. I even confronted the bully’s mom. I was going to make this right – I had to. Someone was going to pay for my failure to save Sam from this horrible situation. But when my best efforts failed and I couldn’t shift my guilt to another’s blame, those self-condemning feelings flooded back.

• A good mom would have understood the situation better.
• A caring mom would have known something was drastically different with her son.
• An effective mom would have nipped this in the bud.
• And a worthless mom would have done exactly what I did – nothing.

I was tangled in the lie that said it was my fault – that I’d failed my son. Watching my son suffer because I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation and intervene sooner tangled me. And to make matters worse, my best efforts to right the wrong got me nowhere. I was bloodied in the battle, and in the end I was left with a wounded son, a broken heart, and shame the size of Texas on my shoulders.

~from Untangled, pages 93-96

I so appreciate Carey’s honesty here, so riddled with emotions, all tangled up in pain.

Understandably so, right?

We love those around us so much sometimes we think our hearts could burst. There is something so fierce about the love we have for those closest to us, and when they hurt, our hearts immediately engage. We analyze and ask hard questions. We try to be honest with ourselves, “What could I have done differently? How could I have prevented this from happening?”. All such good and normal questions.

There is absolutely a time to ask those questions.

There is a time to grieve deeply.

To acknowledge the pain of all that happened.

Carey did that so bravely, because that’s what we do. We fight for ourselves and those we love, to right those wrongs. That’s how God wired us.

But often times, and I believe this is why we get tangled up and allow shame to sit on us sometimes for years… We choose to stay in the past, we choose to fixate on all that went wrong, and we stay stuck in that season of pain.

Hear me ladies as I work to say this with all the sensitivity I can possibly extend, there comes a time when we must say… it’s time for a new season.

There is a point when we have to stop re-living all the “what ifs” and “only ifs”, stop allowing regret and remorse to control our thought life.

A time to say “no more” to the guilt and the shame, and “YES” to God’s healing in your life.

Because please understand me on this one: moving forward is not forgetting what happened. It is acknowledging that God is bigger.

Carey’s pain was real, but she knew her God was bigger. I love her words here (p. 96).

I’m learning to cling to the words of freedom from Romans 3:23, “Yes, all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious ideal” (TLB). All means everyone – you, me Madonna, Mother Teresa, and anyone else who’s ever breathed air. We aren’t the only ones to fail our kids. We all mess up. There’s relief in knowing we’re all members of the same club. Grab your name tag on the way in. Welcome.

But it’s what comes next in that passage that is life to me. Verse 24 says, “yet now God declares us ‘not guilty’ of offending Him if we trust in Jesus Christ, who in His kindness freely takes away our sins.” Guess what…I’m not guilty. And if your’e a Christ-follower, neither are you.

You are freed from the weight of guilt and shame. You are free from all the “I’m not good enough” messages. When you fail, because of Jesus, it’s not held against you. Jesus promises to untangle you from shame, freeing you up to be a purposeful woman, rather than a perfect one.

Girls, there is a time to ask hard questions, to grieve what happened. But there is a time to remember who you are in Christ Jesus and take a stand in the Truth of God’s Word.

We MUST take away shame’s megaphone and begin to boldly speak God’s truth to ourselves. When shame wants to dictate how you view yourself and your past, remember:

You have not out-sinned God’s grace and forgiveness.
But if we confess our sins to God, He can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away. 1 John 1:9

You have not disqualified yourself from God’s love.
Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

Your past does not condemn you.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to Him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. Romans 8:1-2

God is for you, He is not against you.
What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since He did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with Himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and He is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Romans 8:31-34

You are precious, and He loves you.
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17

God loves you, and He is right there with you, at this very moment. Believe Him on this one, my friend. Stand in TRUTH and say “YES” to a new season.

You are not alone. Take a moment to bring this before the Lord. Would you pray with me?

Oh, Lord, I am so weary from all the shame that has hung on me for so long. I have struggled with the guilt and the shame of it all, replaying it all in my head so many times. God, would you untangle all of that in me? God, I open myself completely to Your forgiveness, and Your acceptance, and Your love. Would you give me eyes to see the Your Truth? Help me to understand how You see me, how much You love me. Take away the guilt and shame and replace it with your wholeness and joy. You have said in Psalm 34:5 that as I look to you, I will be radiant with joy, and no shadow of shame will darken my face. God today I choose to stand in that promise. I choose to lift my face to You and seek You with all of my heart. I praise You for your love, for your faithfulness to me, that You will never leave me, and that I am always and forever your precious daughter.

_____________

We have created a place for you to engage and encourage one another on our Untangled Women Facebook Page. Join us here where together we can share our untangling journey. There is something so powerful in sharing your story and hearing from others, knowing that you are not alone.